


I can't have you and I'm only gonna do you wrong

by chiapslock



Series: The kind of love we're dying for [2]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: M/M, Mention of human experimentation, Mind Control, Slavery, everything is still terrible, keith is Stressed, mentions of forced fighting, mentions of past rape / non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-03
Updated: 2017-08-03
Packaged: 2018-12-10 19:17:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11698188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chiapslock/pseuds/chiapslock
Summary: Keith doesn't know how to juggle life as the leader of Voltron and take care of Shiro at the same time. He has to watch what he does, what he says, what he thinks.He's not sure he can do it, but he can't let Shiro down. What choice does he have?[The second part of this terrible terrible What If. Written for Sheith Month Day 3 - Scars]





	I can't have you and I'm only gonna do you wrong

**Author's Note:**

> This is still horribly dark and horribly sad. I do promise the next installment is going to be a little more happy??? So. At least.

It doesn't get better, it doesn't get easier, in fact it only gets harder.

They are in space, on a planet he doesn't know, with strangers he doesn't care about and he's supposed to lead them, he's supposed to be the one that takes control of the situation.    
He's the paladin of the Black Lions and that means having responsibilities, or so Allura says. Keith wants to scream at her that he doesn't care about this war, about the universe. He cares about Shiro.

But the Shiro he cared about doesn't exist anymore. There is a shadow that follows him everywhere, at least when Keith tells him to. There is a hollow husk that waits seated on his bed, unless Keith tells him to move.

Keith needs help, he's sinking deeper and deeper into an abyss he doesn't see the end of, but the only person he wants help from can't really help him at all.

  
  


"I order you to eat when you're hungry" Keith tells Shiro, after another time their  _ Voltron training time  _ had gotten out of control and Keith had realized he hadn't told Shiro to eat.

Shiro looks confused by the order, like he always is when Keith tells him to do things that would make him almost human again. It's agonizing, seeing his best friend reduced to this.

"Do you understand me?" Keith tries again when he sees that the troubled expression on Shiro's face doesn't go away.

"I... yes." the other says, in the end, and Keith nods, satisfied. It's at least one thing he can give him back, it seems.

So he tries again.

He tells Shiro to sleep when he's tired. Relieve himself when he needs to go to the bathroom. Clean himself when he's dirty.

Shiro always wears a troubled expression, but he always says he understands, so Keith nods and moves on.

  
  


He doesn't want to believe that there is no way to take the implants out of Shiro's brain. He talks to Coran, to Pidge, to Hunk and he screams at them to  _ try harder _ when they don't come up with anything that can help.

Keith realizes he's not acting like a good team leader, and he can see the way Allura looks at him. She probably thinks she has made a mistake, that Black has made a mistake, and sometimes Keith agrees with her.

No one really says anything to him, however. He doesn't know if they are scared of him, or if they pity him.

Sometimes during the night, after he has ordered Shiro to go to sleep, he looks at the sleeping form of his friend. He might pity himself too.

  
  


They still can't seem to figure out how to create Voltron when they aren't in a dangerous situation and their training become ruthless, with Coran making them exercise without taking a break.

He leaves Shiro free to do what he wants, and for some reason Shiro usually takes it as a reason to go somewhere and just... sit there. Keith doesn't really understand what it means, why he does it, but if it's what he wants to do...

Normal Shiro would have gone to the gym to train, would have read a book... but this is not normal Shiro.

In the end when they do take a break he's too tired to eat, as is the rest of the team, and he just goes back to his room and falls asleep immediately.

He feels like he doesn't dream much before there is a knock on this door, insistent and grating on his nerves. He grumbles under his breath for a moment before he gives up.

"What?" he asks, sitting up, and the door slides open immediately. Hunk marches forward, a man on a job.

"When is the last time you told Shiro to eat?" he asks, and Keith looks surprised by the question.

"I told him to eat when he's hungry" he says, and he hates it, that this is starting to become the norm. That he has to tell Shiro to do things. "Why?"

Hunk hesitates for a second "I was making something in the kitchen. I was hungry, we skipped dinner yesterday. I went back to the common room and I noticed Shiro was still there. I... I asked him if he wanted some and he obviously ignored me but..."

Keith looks at the other bed in the room, completely untouched. There is something wrong. "I told him to... to do things when he needed to do them" he feels like he has to defend himself.

Hunk doesn't look angry, he looks sad.

"We don’t know how this thing works" it's obvious Hunk is trying to arrive to the point gently, but Keith already feels like someone punched him "Maybe he just... doesn't feel anything"

"He has to be hungry" Keith replies, immediately. Shiro was always hungry, eating way too many unhealthy things, getting stuffed every time they went somewhere to eat. He could eat three burgers in one go, if he had done enough laps in the morning.

Shiro was always hungry.

Hunk doesn't say anything to that, because Hunk doesn't know. Hunk doesn't know how Shiro was before. He only knows this empty shell.

Keith hates him, for a second. It goes away as soon as it arrives. Hunk doesn't deserve it, the Galra do.

He stands up, tries to  fight against the exhaustion. He doesn’t even say thank you to Hunk, doesn’t know how to for this terrible thing, but he tries to smile to him. He’s a leader, or at least he should be, he can give the other an encouraging smile.

It tastes more like sadness.

  
  


He finds Shiro exactly where Hunk had said he'd be. It's the same place where he had seen him the day before, but he has moved a little. It's a relief.

"I told you to sleep when you were tired" he tries, because maybe he can have some kind of reaction if he catches him disobeying.

Shiro looks at him, but he looks serene "I wasn't tired"

"You haven't slept" Keith reminds him "or eaten or..."

Shiro nods, but then he repeats "I wasn't tired. Or hungry. Or dirty" he shows Keith his hand, almost like a toddler. "No blood"

Keith closes his eyes, doesn't have the strenght to process  _ that _ information right now.

“You can’t… you have to eat” he tells him, and Shiro stands up immediately to look for something to eat, probably. He sees Hunk in the door and Keith wants to hide this from him, send him away, but he can’t.

“Have you…” he asks, but it seems Hunk understands and smiles a little.

“I have made way too much, you’re welcome to join” Hunk assures him and they guide Shiro to the kitchen. 

Keith doesn’t eat anything, even when Hunk offers him some, he feels too tired, too sick. 

  
  


He screams at Lance the day after. 

They are trying to synch their minds or whatever this thing is and they can’t. They all know it’s Keith’s fault, he can see it in the way they keep  _ glancing _ at him. He can’t concentrate, every time Allura tells them to empty their mind he just thinks about Shiro, about what he’s doing. He’s letting them down,  _ he knows he is _ , and that puts him in a foul mood.

He doesn’t know what to say, how to make this better, and when Lance makes a joke - he doesn’t even remember what - to break the tension, Keith snaps.

Keith remembers asking if he always took everything as a joke, he remembers being angry at himself and finding in Lance an easy target.

Everything has been so terrible for him, his every action and word under scrutiny, and hearing Lance laugh at it, make light of it, had just… he had snapped.

After, he is sorry, he doesn’t think Lance deserved it, this time. He knows he hasn’t been easy to get to know, but everything seems so heavy.

He feels like he hasn’t slept in so long.

Keith leaves the room while Allura is yelling at him to  _ come back _ . He doesn’t. 

  
  


Shiro is seated on the bed, Keith doesn’t remember if he had told him to do something today, maybe he’s there just because Keith had forgot to tell him to move. He can’t breathe.

Shiro looks up when Keith enters the room and there is something in his eyes, something like worry. Keith might be imagining it, he feels like he’s losing his mind, but he attaches himself to that little bit of hope like a drowning man.

“Tell me what to do” he whispers. Shiro had always been good at taking control of the situation. He had always been a good leader. Keith had always looked up at him, and now he feels lost. What does he have to lose?

Shiro looks at him surprised, and it's obvious he's trying to do what Keith asked but seems unable to.

So Keith gets closer, kneels in front of him "Please, Shiro, tell me what I need to do"   
The silence sketches and Keith almost wants to laugh. What did he expect, asking the mind-controlled slave?

"Why can't you help me?" he asks, and his voice is low. Angry. He's so stressed all the time, so frustrated, and his stress turns into fuel for his anger so easily. Shiro had known that about him, had teached him how to control it - since Shiro had the same exact problem.

Patience yields focus.

He doesn't have any patience left.

"What can you even do for me?" he screams, and Shiro doesn't deserve this. He knows that Shiro is the one that's most hurt between them, used for things he can't even think of. But he needs help and Shiro doesn't seem able to do anything for him. No one seems able to help him.

Most importantly he isn't able to help anyone.

"I can make you feel better if you want, Sir" Shiro tells him, candid in his answers. He resembles a toddler sometimes in this state.

"Help me feel better?" he asks, incredulous. He doesn't even know what that feels like anymore. They have been in this damn castle for more than a week and he has hated every single second of it.

In the worst moments he has thought that if it meant having him back like this, maybe it would have been better if Shiro had never come home.

He hates himself for that fought even more than for everything else.

It seems that Shiro takes his question as a way to demonstrate what he means, but when Keith feels Shiro's hands on his tight, trying to reach his crotch, he scrambles back as quickly as he can.

He can't even talk. If he opens his mouth he fears he will be sick.

Before Kerberos, before all of this, Keith had dreamed about Shiro, sometimes. Dreams where they would kiss, dreams where they would do so much more. And now... now it feels like this is reaching into his mind and poisoning all his fantasies.

How much more will he lose?

"You're never. Ever. To make anyone  _ feel better _ again" he says, makes it as much of an order as he can make it.

Shiro has an expression he can't exactly decipher, but Keith doesn't care this time.

  
  


The days drag on much like the same and Keith  _ tries _ .

He apologizes to Lance. He tries to be there more, to participate into team talks. He tries to be a leader how Shiro would be.

Shiro spends more and more time in their room. Keith can admit to his own mind that he's glad for that.

It's easier to make an effort to be civil to the team where he doesn't have to look at this Shiro, empty of everything that had made Keith love him.

It's still not easy, it's still far from perfect, but he thinks they are making progress. Slow progress, but Keith will take what he can.

The nights are the hardest part. He tries to spend as much time as he can training, fighting robot after robot. He knows he avoids going into the room as much as he can, but he can't look at Shiro, doesn't know how to act in front of him.

Lately he always tells Shiro to eat three meals a day, sleep at least eight hours, have a shower and go to the bathroom at least 4 times. It's the most he can do, and it has left Shiro with a modicum of freedom, he thinks.

Coran had said that it was a system that allowed Keith too to be more free, and he had almost laughed. There are shackles on his wrist that connect him to that room, to this Shiro. He's a prisoner of his own guilt.

When he returns Shiro usually isn't doing anything, as always. Keith wonders, sometimes, if this Shiro can even _ think _ .

Keith envies him. If he could shut down his mind, not think for a day, he would do it in a heartbeat.

Instead he has to think about Voltron, about Shiro. He has to control his mood, his words, his actions and there is never a moment of rest.

He hasn't let himself have a break down since the first night. It's not because he thinks they make him weak, it's because he doesn't think he could ever stop crying.

One of the robots hit him, sending him flying. And it might be the first time Keith almost feels alive.

  
  


"You know..." Pidge starts, looking unsure "you could tell Shiro to stay with us. If you wanted"

Hunk nods, smiling tentatively "I'm sure he's bored of the same four walls"

Keith looks at his plate and then asks, serious "Are you?" because he's not. He doesn't think it even makes a difference.

They seem surprised by his question and Keith doesn't get it.

"He's not an animal" Lance tells him, "you can't just keep him in your room"

Keith lets go of his spoon to look at everyone "I'm not keeping him  _ anywhere _ . He can leave whenever he wants"

"No, he can't" Pidge tells him, firm but gentle "That's the point, Keith".

_ I didn't ask for this _ he wants to scream and he's not sure what he's referring to if Shiro or Voltron. Maybe both.

He gets up to leave, before he does something he will regret, but Allura stops him.

"You can't just close up everytime we try to talk with you, Keith" she says, and she looks annoyed. Angry. He gets her "That's not how a good leader acts" That doesn't mean he likes her.

He looks at her, feels the barely repressed anger and stress rise and he can't stop himself, doesn't even try "I never said I was a leader. You picked me, you told me to ride Black. If you don't like how I do things then just do it on your own. What do I care?"

"You don't mean that" Coran tries. But Keith  _ does _ .

He leaves and this time no one tries to stop him. He's still feeling raw, hurt, sensible when he enters his room.

Shiro turns to look at him immediately, almost expecting something. And Keith is reminded why he tries to avoid this.

Everyone looks at him like they want him to do something, fix thing, make everything magically better. Keith is a disaster.

"I need you, Shiro" he tells him, because he can see he's in peaces. He's crumbling under all the expectations "I need you and you're not here. Why can't you be here?"

Shiro looks surprised and he says "I'm always here, Sir"

Keith laughs. It's an ugly sound, and he almost doesn't recognize himself.

"No, you're not. You've come back this... this thing. I'm supposed to fix you, but I don't know how, can you hear me? I don't know how" he's screaming now, almost without realizing. Why does he keep screaming at Shiro? "and you stay here day after day and you don't do anything. And they expect me to lead Voltron, while I can't stop thinking about you"

Keith is panting. He feels like has run a marathon. He feels so tired.

"You want an order?" he asks, spiteful "then this is one: come back! Don't leave me alone!"

He closes his eyes, hopes for a minute against all odds that this is going to work. But nothing happens. He laughs, and then he chokes on it when it becomes more like a sob.

"Why are you even here? Why did you even chose me?" he asks, but again he doesn't expect an answer.

Shiro gives him one anyway "Because you're my... Sir. Because I..." Shiro stops there, furrows his brow like there's something he doesn't know how to express.

"Chose another one. Go to Allura, she'll take care of you" he realizes after a second that it might be read as an order and he waits for Shiro to get up. Walk away.

It would be for the best, really. Keith is terrible at this.   
Shiro gets up, almost like he has to - and he probably does - but then he says "But..."

It's an aborted thought, it's not even a real protest. It's still more than Keith has gotten out of him yet.

"Wait" he stops him, desperately " _ but _ what?"

Shiro hesitates, before shaking his head "Everything Sir wants it's a..." he starts but Keith surges forward. He takes Shiro's shirt in his hand, almost rips it.

"I want you to finish that phrase. I need you to do it. Do this for me, Shiro. Do this" he begs. He's still crying a little, his voice is nasal, but he doesn't care.

Keith looks in Shiro's eyes and he can see the battle within him, this conflict. For a moment it seems like Shiro will win, but it's gone too sun.

"I will do anything you order me to do" Shiro says and Keith lets him go of his shirt.

He could let him go to Allura, he could tell him to walk away. Instead he closes his eyes and asks "What have they done to you?"   
It's not a question that's supposed to be answered. It's a plea to the world to make this all stop, to give him a moment of peace.

The moment Shiro starts talking Keith's blood freezes "I was sent into the arena, in the beginning. They made me fight with other aliens for entertainment. I tried not to kill anyone, but most of the time they forced me to" it's like he's telling a story about someone else "Then they sent me to Haggar. They told me I could become something more. They removed my arm. They put this one"

He doesn't know why he asks what he does then, doesn't know what terrible entity possesses him. The moment he asks "Did it hurt?" he knows he doesn't want to know.

"Yes" Shiro replies, mercyless. Keith chokes on another sob. "My body adapted to the arm quickly. So they decided to try more. After that I was sent to my first Master, Commander Sendak"

Keith holds his breath. Isn't sure if he wants Shiro to continue, if he wants this to be the end. He's curious, but every single thing Shiro says is like a million knifes in his back.

"Sendak asked me to discipline prisoners that wanted to revolt. I did. He asked me to service him in any way. He was my master. I did" Keith finally looks back up at Shiro. And the other doesn't even look touched by what he's saying. It's like it doesn't even matter. Like they happened to someone else.

"St-" he starts, but Shiro is talking again.

"I thought for master in the arena again, sometimes. It was a game. It was others like me. He told me to ki-"

"Stop!" Keith screams, as hard as he can. He's shaking like a leaf.

He remembers the scar he didn't have time to map when Shiro had removed his shirt in the shack and he had never asked. He wishes he still didn't know.

"I can't be here" he says and he runs away, leaves Shiro standing by the door (He remembers that the last order the had given him had been stay. Shiro will never move until he gets back).

He doesn't know how much time has passed, but he runs towards the common room. He can't do this alone, he can't do this at all.

Keith enters the room and feels the mood shift, the way everyone close off. They hate him, but he gets them, he hates himself too.

"Keith?" Hunk asks, worried. Keith realizes he might still be crying, but what does it matter?   
"I can't do it" he tells them, "I can't do it. Keep him away from me, _ I can't do it _ "

He thinks about Shiro, standing by the door and waiting for him, that had said a  _ but _ when Keith had told him to go to Allura.

He thinks about the scars that are all over Shiro's body. At the scars that run far deeper inside his mind.

They don't say anything, but they make room for him and that has to be enough.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still sorry?????


End file.
